Sincerely, Madison

my thoughts, stories, feelings, and confessions

So here I am in the warm state of Florida! I’ve gotten myself a nice tan, not too bad of burns, and I have DEFINITELY eaten WAY too much.  I’m not sure what it is about vacation and my grandparents house that when they combine makes a deadly concoction of overeating and obesity.

Obviously by “obesity” I mean the gaining of maybe 3 or 4 pounds, but, of course on a girl who is only 5ft tall, those few pounds really make a difference.  I’m here (or rather, WAS here) with my friend Shannon.  She’s probably only 85 or 90 pounds and makes me look like some kind of lard-ass.  It’s ok though, to be the “fat friend” especially if you’re not actually that fat.  

Like I mentioned earlier, Shannon is not here with me at the moment.  Her grandparents who also live part-time in Florida called and wanted her to spend Christmas with them. This is totally understandable to spend a day or two with her own family, but over the course of the week, they kept trying to get her to want to stay longer and longer! Soon one or two days turned into three or four days, which ended up turning into 4 or 5 days.  This I thought was unacceptable and RUDE that her grandparents would try and take her for so long.  I mean if they wanted to see her so badly,why didn’t THEY pay for her ticket and fly her out here.  This was MY precious time to spend with my good friend, and they wanted to take her for about half of the vacation. NO. I DON’T THINK SO. So I called my friend and told her we were picking her up 2 days early and let her know my reasoning. She agreed, and admitted that she didn’t even really want to stay that long with her grandparents. So in about half an hour I’ll be getting into the car and driving 2 hours to go pick her up from Fort Lauderdale. I’m not happy to be doing it but hey, at least I’ll get my friend back.  

Oh of course it has to be the day before I get on a plane to Florida that I get a huge cold sore on my lip :( “Hey Mady, haven’t seen you in a while, how are you? how are your parents? why is your lip grotesquely swollen and red?”

Oh you know, the usual -_-

Anywho.. so I went to a few concert this weekend. The one on Friday night (JAM) was a bit of a bore. It was more local bands who weren’t that great The concert money was donated to kids in Africa and Shannon was involved so I felt obligated (as I should) to go and support her.

Her other friend Iris tried to make a big stink about me being there, saying that I didn’t even want to be there and that I should just leave. Big deal. Maybe one day she’ll figure out that her causing issues like that makes her look ridiculous to Shannon and therefore makes ME look better.  She’s always so dramatic and pig-ish. Like we can share Shannon, both me and my parents agree she probably has a big lesbian crush on Shannon and thats why she’s being so pathetic and whiney.

Well the second concert I went to (Devil Wears Prada) on saturday was amazing!

Guys were literally competing for us. Not joking! They were one-by-one showing off their dance moves and mosh skills, basically making fools of themselves trying to impress us. Shay and I categorized all of the guys who were hitting on us into 40-year-old virgins, 15-18 and 18-30.  There was a big group of 18 year olds from Howell that were hitting on us, and this old guy that kept holding out his hand to help us jump over this one railing thing we were sitting on. Also, there was a group of guys that came over and one guy touched my shoulder to ask if his hands were cold. He looked European. He was a great mosher. Then he asked if we wanted to expand our group. (hell yeah!)

Now to the freaky part: There was this crazy-hot shirtless guy, maybe 17 or 18. He was acting friendly towards Shannon and was grabbing her tits and whatnot (under the bra). I was really happy for her, they were both having a great time! then she left for a long time to go crowd surf.  I don’t crowd surf much, I guess its just my personality but I always like to stay in control and keep both feet on the ground.

Anyways, the guy kept asking where she was. I didn’t know, I was looking for her too, trying to see if she was up in the air or possibly had gotten over the barricade. The guy came up behind me and kissed me on the neck. He whispered he was “impatient” and started grinding with me.  Then he started to undo my belt and my pants. He stuck his hand down there as we were in the crowd. It was so weird! Like both public and private at the same time. Like there were thousands of people in the crowd, some of them were so close they were pressed up against your arms and legs, but the music was so loud and we were so close together, no one probably even noticed.  

After about 30 seconds of him working his way down there, I got really self conscious. Like was I prickly?  Was I normal? I had not gone that far with a guy. I mean at least not with touching, just with looking. 

I told him that was enough and he said “oh come on, don’t be scared” and I knew nothing tragic would happen if he just fingered me, I didn’t even know the guy, and he was so hot! Not to mention confident and gentile. He also liked the same music I did (hence being at the same concert) and I would never have to speak of it again if I didn’t want to.  But I got a weird awkward feeling and decided to just gently grab his hands and pull them out of my pants, buckle them up and leave to go find Shannon.

When we finally found each other after the concert, she explained that he had gotten a bit too touchy-feely with her too (only the “upstairs” though) so she made an excuse to leave.

That night (or possibly the next day, I forget) shannon asked me if I was emotionally scarred from this. I don’t think I am. I mean, it was the farthest I’ve ever gone with a guy, it was at one of my most favorite places (a hardcore concert), listening to on of my favorite bands, during one of my most favorite songs, with a super hot guy.  So though I got alarm signals when he said “oh come on, don’t be scared”, I don’t think I’m emotionally scarred at all.

A bit before that, I saw a few people I knew from school. One guy, Phil, I noticed in the crowd. He was literally right next to me.  I saw me and did like a quadruple-take. Maybe that was partly because I look so much hotter at concerts than I do in AP Chemistry.  We do try to doll up for concerts, with all push-up bras and heavy, smokey eye makeup.

Another person I saw was this guy from my film study class. I think he’s a senior. He saw me and quickly nudged one of his friends next to him and pointed me out. I looked away and pretended I didn’t really notice them. They probably were trying to figure out if it was actually me or not, dressed in black pants, a studded belt,and a shredded and cut up Devil Wears Prada shirt tied up with a hair tie to make it a belly-shirt, with my hair all crazy and a pound of makeup. I definitely don’t dress like that at school. I’m the one with my hair perfectly straight in jeans, Uggs, and my favorite Juilliard sweatshirt. I go from “fragile ballerina” to “hot chick who can take care of herself in a mosh pit”.

All I know is that after break I might have some explaining to do as to why I look like a totally different person at concerts than I do at school.

My great aunt has been trying to adopt a little boy from Russia.  She’s had a successful career and now finally wants to start a family with her husband. They are finally bringing the little 2-year old boy back on the 29th of December. They’re meeting us down in florida. I can’t wait to meet the little guy. His name is Nicholas, he doesn’t know any english so they basically communicate using sign language. I really hope to adopt when I get older, but I think the process is just ridiculous. I wish my family well coming home from Russia, and I can’t wait to meet my new cousin!

Sincerely, 

Madison

I am so so so very excited for holiday break! 

My best friend Shannon and I are going to Florida for 2 weeks.  We’re flying down by ourselves and staying at one of my grandparents condos for a week until my parents come down a week after.  My grandparents live at one of those resort-ish places off of a golf course where theres a pool and gym and grill in the subdivision and another bigger facility a mile away where there’s a man-made lake and beach, huge pool and hot-tub, spa area with massage, mani-pedi, work-out, shopping, and eating areas. I’m literally so done with school and ready to just leave shit-Michigan.  

The first (parent-free) week will be spent partying, tanning, swimming, and boy-hunting.

Ahhhh! I don’t want to brag to anyone at school, and maybe I’m excited because these experiences don’t come to me very often, but wow this is going to be the best vacation ever.

Sincerely,

Madison 

For some reason, I have been so nasty to my parents. I don’t even understand why. It’s like everything they do and say just annoys me and upsets me, and I lash out at them for it. Is that normal for my age? I’m 16, and an only child. Maybe I’m just sick of being the only kid in the house. Maybe its just teenage angst. Usually I am so self aware about my feelings and behavior and how they influence others and how others influence me, but lately my anger has been out of control!

To try and fix this I’ve been trying to sleep more. I think it might have to do with stress. I have very difficult classes this particular trimester (pre-calc, AP chem, AP psych, etc.) and I do tend to take my studies very seriously.

Also, I take ballet and am at the studio for about 25-30 hours per week. Trying to manage schoolwork and ballet is so challenging. This definitely adds to my stress. Since we aren’t supposed to miss classes at all, I have to cut way into my sleeping hours to do homework. It only really stresses me out when I have to miss school for dance.  

Occasionally I have rehearsals and various far-away festivals to attend to during the school-day.  Nutcracker (early december) and Regional Dance America (april/may) tend to be the most stressful times. When I come back, I have all the work to catch up on plus all of the lessons that I missed have to be self-taught.

When I’m feeling especially overwhelmed, I make a stress list of all the things that are cluttering up my mind.  This looks like (and essentially is) a to-do list, but it also includes things that I don’t necessarily have to “do” for example “grandma in the hospital” or “nutcracker roles”.

I hope to keep my stress down so that I can be a happy person, not yell at my parents, and not constantly break out due to lack of sleep and stress eating.

Sincerely,

Madison

I’ve created this tumblr hoping to organize my life and make sense of my thoughts and feelings.  I believe that documenting and keeping track of my goals will help me reach them faster.  I will usually be making random lists, telling stories about my life, tracking progresses, and venting. 

Sincerely, 

Madison